March 11, Thursday...

Morning brought a whirlwind of activity, preparing for the visiting Nurse. Most of the dogs were brought outside to the heated garage/.kennel for the day so the barking wouldn't be a problem. All this was far from my idea of my first day home! I had to plan the timing and rest accordingly, which ment I couldn't just rest when I wanted and get up when I felt energetic. I was on a schedule and I hated it. On the other hand, I knew I was being a little bit unreasonable because after all, this ment that I would NOT have to leave home to be checked out, and that was a Good Thing. Catch 22.....

The appointment with the nurse went OK. She asked me what seemed like a million questions and sat and wrote down every word I said it seemed. She took a photo of my wound for her file and asked me if I want one for myself and I thanked her but declined. I have a life long image in my mind what it looks like and I don't need a photo to remind me.

We decided that the only other time I would need a Nurse to come in would be next Friday, 2 weeks post-op, for staple removal. She took measurements of my would and told me it was 11" and she counted the staples, 37 in all. She mentioned that a Physical Therapist would be calling me for an appointment soon, perhaps even this week yet.

All I want to do is get some rest.....

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March 12 Friday...

I got up for about an hour and a half in the early morning and then went to rest for the next 2. I did that all day long and it turned out to be pretty much how I spent every day after this for the time being. This morning, however, I had left my cell phone in the bedroom since I wasn't home alone (I ALWAYS carry my phone on my person when I am home alone). I hear it ring about 9am, and again at 10:00 am, but I have voicemail so I'm not about to go chasing after a ringing phone, I'll just catch up with the calls in a little while when I go to bed.

About 10:30 I head back to bed and I see I have voicemail, so I dial it up. The calls were from a Physical Therapist that announced he was on his way to my home, and if I am home please let him know.

OK, that was THE LAST STRAW!!!

I was getting madder by the moment. WHO does this guy think he is? You cannot just come here to my house and expect to see me. There needs to be arrangements made ahead of time because of the dogs! I'm in bed when suddenly I can hear a car in the yard. No way was I going to go out there. Knocking at the door produced the Dobermans, who were letting him know, he dare not come in. He calls my voicemail again. I don't answer, I am pissed off. Not even my friends come all the way out here without calling first to see if I'm home and want company. THAT is one of the reasons I live out in the middle of nowhere. People don't drive all that way without first checking to see if you're home! His voicemail went as follows...

"Hi, this is Bob calling again. I'm sure your dogs are nice and friendly and all of that but I'm not going to come in until you put them away", blah blah blah...
Like I'm going to get out of my bed and hassle with the dogs when this jerk can't even give me the courtesy of calling the night before. I haven't met him and I hate him now. This is not good.

His last message was that he was leaving and would I please call him on the weekend so we can set something up for him to come. I decide I will call him on Sunday, I was in no mood to talk to this jerk....

He got me so riled up that I couldn't rest and since I was hungry I decided to cook something. I rolled my wheel chair into the kitchen while carrying my walker, reacher in hand and set about getting the ingredients and utensils out, I want to make stuffed sweet red peppers on the half shell, as that is the way I stored the peppers after I picked them up from the farmers market last fall, in halves. I cut the vegetables while sitting in my wheelchair with the sutting board in my lap. At the stovetop, I used my walker, same at the sink as I did my cooking dishes. I was salivating the feast as it baked in the oven. Meanwhile, I decided I was up to trying to let the crated dogs out. That turned not not to be true, and pretty much taxed me after the cooking activity, so I had a little bite to eat and off to bed.

Why oh why did I do this...Did I need to prove it to myself and everyone else that I am not helpless? Did I really do it because I was hungry, or did the hunger manifest itself in some sort of ridiculous idea that I am not a cripple? I don't know for sure, but I think I needed to prove something, and now that I have, OK, I'm done...

I didn't last too long after that for the rest of the day....

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Saturday March 13...

I know I was a bad girl yesterday and I can feel it so I'm going to pretty much stay put in the bed today. It's another day of rain sleet snow and hail. Thunder and lightning even. Proof that the season has definitely taken a turn. It's a good day to stay hunkered down and that's what I did, no fancy tricks today, just rest and bead a little....

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March 14 2004 Sunday

It's another cold gray windy day, so it's a good day just be lazy, which is what I need to do so I spent some of it beading, which is something that I haven't been able to do for awhile now, since sometime after the new year, I've been too distracted by pain & the pain meds, and the impending hip surgery. Now that it's behind me and I'm supposedly on the mend I feel a need to bead, a good sign I think because in order to even set my beading stuff up, I have to get in the ?beading mode" I can't work with any distractions.

I n the back of my mind I know I have to call the Physical Therapist, Bob, to set up an appointment for tomorrow, and explain to him that he needs to give me notice at least the day before he comes out because of the dogs. Besides, I think it was just plain rude that he thought it Ok to drop in like he did on Friday.

In the afternoon I make that call and it went like this....

ME:"Hello Bob this is Stephanie and I'm calling to set up a time for you to come tomorrow, per your request that you left in a message on my voicemail". He tells me he will be stopping by sometime tomorrow (Monday), but that he didn't have his appointment book with him today since it's a Sunday I'm calling him. OK, now I'm feeling IRATE because he told me to call him on the weekend!

He asks about the dogs and I told him he made a wise choice not to try coming in the house on Friday because Rosebud is very protective of her mom right now. And, I tell him that the dogs are why I need him to make an appointment with me a day ahead of time and that he can't just show up like he did on Friday.

He tries to set up a 4 hour window, somewhere between 12 and 4 O'Clock and I tell him no, he needs to be more specific than that, both so I can be rested when he comes, heck I can't sit up for 4 hours waiting for someone to show up, and because I will NOT lock my dogs up for 4 hours wait. He asks for a 1 hour window, between 1pm and 2pm, and I go along with that. Every single thing was a fight in the hospital and now it seems to have followed me home. I can fight better than most for my rights, but I'm getting angry as hell over the fact that I must do it over every single thing right now.

I finally got to watch Sea Biscut, I ordered it on PayPerView, great movie! Today was a short uneventful day other than the business with the Physical Therapist. I think of him coming tomorrow, every so often, and I kept telling myself that no matter what, when he comes tomorrow I have to be nice to him, start out with a clean slate...

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March 15 Monday...

I know that Bob, the Physical Therapist is coming today so arrangements get decided for the dogs. I made sure I took a nice rest before 1pm, when I got up to put the dogs away and wait for Bob to come. He arrived shortly after 1pm. Very good.

After the initial greetings he said he understood my need for advance notice now. I left the puppies out to play and Bob warmed my heart towards him through them, he played with them some, and picked them up and held them. Bob has a little dog too. Ok, we're over the bad part, Bob is NOT a bad guy. I like him now.

I had one dog that was in the kitchen causing a distraction and making our talking difficult, so I grabbed my walker and threw that one outside, it was nice and quiet after that. Bob told me that now that he saw me using my walker, he could see why my operated leg was still in so much pain. I have been taught the wrong way to use my walker. He then explained "toe touch", and it means just that. ?touch', not ?step'. In the hospital I got yelled at for not using my foot on my operated side. I tell this to Bob and he tells me he sees this all of the time, and said sometimes they just don't know what they're doing. Hmmmm....

Next he teaches me the proper way to use the Walker, and guarantees that it will bring relief to my operated leg within a day. Oh, good, I can hardly wait I say. To show him I had learned to use the Walker correctly, he had me go back and forth through the house a few times, to get the rhythm down. We went to my room and he had me practice my exercises, which I have been doing faithfully, and then Bob told me there was no real need for him to come out on a regular basis at this time, because I am unable to have weight bearing exercises and I already know my routine. He also told me to use the walker more and the wheelchair less.

The little trips back and forth around the house on the walker left me exhausted, so after Bob left, it was time for a little nap.....

WHAT the hell is going on now! I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck. Not my operated leg, but my soon to be one. There's muscle spasms going up and down the front of that leg, and sciatic nerve running down the back of it. ...

Another long sleepless pain filled night. When will it end.

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March 16 2004 Tuesday

I'm tired as hell today from being awake all last night AGAIN. Most of today I lay around like some zombie, glad that the ridiculous pain of last night has subsided, except for a horrible pain in my calf & behind my knee that kind of has me worried because I'm supposed to be on the lookout for blood clots but I'm pretty certain the pain is coming from my experiences on the walker yesterday which aggravated my leg from being my only perch right now, it's doing the work of the other leg as well. I nap off and on all day and spend it mostly resting that other leg.

I'm also getting pretty depressed over this business, but when I take the puppies out to play, just watching them you can't help but laugh.

By evening, the pain comes back with a vengeance. It worsens by the minute, another long sleepless night....

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March 17 2004 Wednesday Lack of communication day

This sucks more than anything I could ever have imagined it would. I can't take this shit another day. The pain is relentless and hurts like hell, never a let up yet.

I try so hard to sit with my mouth shut and keep a good attitude. Today life made that impossible. I spent last night in so much pain I never slept but lay there and cry because I can't take this pain anymore. I am way under medicated if I can lay awake nights in a row hoping to fall asleep but it doesn't come. I tried to reach my Dr. office on my cell phone and of course no reception when I need it. So I try the land line and it absolutely will not work. I was in so much pain in the back of my so-called "good leg" that it surpassed that of the surgical leg. I move to the living room to try to get better reception but it was no go. Ok, I thought, I'll sit here a minute and check my email. Sounds simple, no? Which is what it should be but now I cannot seem to get connected at over 9kps and keep connected. I call my ISP on my shakey cell reception phone and get a tech service guy name Jason. He tells me there is no problem in the area that he knows of so he starts telling me to do all this stuff to my computer. He suspects modem problems (I do not but what do I know) and has me uninstall my modem. Then, as he was getting on to the re-adding it part we got dis-connected! How can this be!!! Oh, I forgot to mention that the waiting time for tech service was over 20 minutes.....

So, I call back and tell the receptionist to please not put me into the cue but to get me directly to someone who can help me because I already spent my time in the que, but that fell on deaf ears. I ended up hanging up and figuring it out on my own but still, no connection and no land line phone so I figure the next place to go is the phone company...

March 17 2004 Wednesday Lack of communication day

This sucks more than anything I could ever have imagined it would. I can't take this shit another day. The pain is relentless and hurts like hell, never a let up yet.

I try so hard to sit with my mouth shut and keep a good attitude. Today life made that impossible. I spent last night in so much pain I never slept but lay there and cry because I can't take this pain anymore. I am way under medicated if I can lay awake nights in a row hoping to fall asleep but it doesn't come. I tried to reach my Dr. office on my cell phone and of course no reception when I need it. So I try the land line and it absolutely will not work. I was in so much pain in the back of my so-called "good leg" that it surpassed that of the surgical leg. I move to the living room to try to get better reception but it was no go. Ok, I thought, I'll sit here a minute and check my email. Sounds simple, no? Which is what it should be but now I cannot seem to get connected at over 9kps and keep connected. I call my ISP on my shakey cell reception phone and get a tech service guy name Jason. He tells me there is no problem in the area that he knows of so he starts telling me to do all this stuff to my computer. He suspects modem problems (I do not but what do I know) and has me uninstall my modem. Then, as he was getting on to the re-adding it part we got dis-connected! How can this be!!! Oh, I forgot to mention that the waiting time for tech service was over 20 minutes.....

So, I call back and tell the receptionist to please not put me into the cue but to get me directly to someone who can help me because I already spent my time in the que, but that fell on deaf ears. I ended up hanging up and figuring it out on my own but still, no connection and no land line phone so I figure the next place to go is the phone company...

"I'm calling to report static on my line that is making it impossible to send or receive calls and makes an internet connection impossible", I say. I already know what they'll suggest and I'd do it but I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. They wanted me to unplug every electronic device in the house and my phone jacks for 5 minutes, and plug it all back in and if that didn't work, then call them back and they would come.....

Well, seeing as I was bedridden and I told them so, I asked if they could please just come out and check my line as I may be having an emergency and I'm stuck flat on my back in bed and cannot do the checking but could someone please come and check my line so I can have it in case of an emergency. Of course they'll come out is what she said, but if the problem could have been solved by unplugging all of my electronic devices and plugging them back in and all was well, ..they could charge me and it could be a few bucks....I sure DID NOT want to hear this!!! I just said, "well then forget it because I can't hear this nonsense about paying because I pay extra for the in the house service too, and if I can't use my phone for an emergency then I might as well have it disconnected", have a nice day, goodbye"...

Well, pretty much as soon as I hung up I called back and said to the woman, "Listen, I know you're just doing your job and you had to tell me they could end up charging me and that you probably don't have the power to tell me I won't get charged so can I please talk with your supervisor"...

I get with him over the phone and he is very nice and I explain to him that there is no way I can run the "unplug test" and could they just please send someone out to check my static line and could someone please tell me that since I am unable to do the unplug test, tell me that I won't be charged'... I got the big OK from him, & his name and number should a charge appear on my bill, to call him and he would take care of it...whew....

A few minutes later, the heavy equipment sound coming from in the woods not too far away that I was thinking was the problem stopped. I tried an internet connection and was right up there to my usual 38 kpb (yeah sad huh)....

I wondered if the machinery had anything to do with the problem but now it seemed so, and not long later the phone company came by and we talked about how the line was now clea,r and I mentioned the logging noise I could hear coming through the woods and how this is what I thought was the problem.

A few minutes later a representative from the phone company called and said he was checking on the line and he told me he would call a few times during the day tomorrow to see it if the static started up again. I'm still awake from this same time yesterday, and most of the 24 hours before that.

To hell with "sounding cheery". I've had enough. I know I can't have everything or even close to it that I want, and I have to choose my "needs" so as not to be ?too needy, but I feel things are not going well at all. Every single thing is a major deal, even trying to make a phone call.

The pain in my leg worsens again in the evening. I have barely gotten up today, for I'm trying hard to rest it. I pretty much only get up to go to the bathroom, and each time I return to my bed, the pain is worse than before I left it. At this point I just lay in my bed and shed tears, this pain is more than I can take but I'm in a precarious situation to deal with it. I was asked if I want to go the emergency Room, but there is no way I am able to get to the car, or into it for that matter. The only way I could leave here at this point is by ambulance, so I decide to wait until morning and call the Dr. and see what they say to do. Today would be day 4 of this unbearable pain that nothing helps and I am mostly confined to my bed in such pain I can only cry. It worsens with every movement, and does not let up.

I see a pattern now with this freekin awful pain....

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